grakka's Blog


Mood: A bit down
Sickness: Not yet, *knocks on wood*
Weather: Rainy
Planning: For Christmas.
Missing: Lu-luv
Clothes: Rockabilly dress, peticotes and "decora"-inspired hair
Watches: Back to the future-triology
Watches 2: Kikoskia playing Twinsector on youtube
Listens to:  The Audiobook The House of Silk by Anthony Horowitz
Plays: Kingdom Hearts HD 1.5 Remix, limited edition, Castlevania Dracula X chronicles
Reads: Nazi ghoststory by Humper monkey
Sings: The songs we're going to sing at the concert on sunday
Roleplays: Rachel, Simon, Tidus, Sora, He-who-can't-decide-what-his-name-is,
Exercise: I got out of bed is that enough
Eats: Misusoup and noodles
Drinks: Tea and Coffee

A serious case of PCA: Post Convention Angst

I'm a bit sad that the convention I been to this weekend is over but it can't be helped.. I'm trying to figure out if I really did fit in there, felt that I belonged there, or if I just pretended to fit in there and did it so well that I was fooling even myself. I'm thinking of if I really am going to go back there again, when it's not a convention, just to hang out.

I loved it there and everyone was so nice. but still it was like.. I was.. well.. I felt kind of akward, like a kid who had snuck into an R-rated movie but the, total opposite. Like an adult who stumbled into Never Never Land  and should be told to leave because no adults are alowed there.

And in a way I felt like a dirty old woman.. I can't explain it in any other way, like a tiny voice inside of me saying, go home play with your kimono and your Hello Kitty stuff.. you shouldn't be here, leave the manga and the cosplay and the BJDs to the people who actually belong to that generation.. (I guess I do too but I never felt like I'm in the right genereation), the people who actually knows about anime and stuff - I didn't even recognize half of the people who cosplayed were supposed to be.. I knew Zelda and  Shadow Link and Yuna (okay so maybe I'm more than a gamenerd than a anime nerd then but still).

I was so old  most of the people there were from the age of 12 up to 26.. and there I came with my 34 years old, 10 years older or more then most of the people there.. hey I could be a mother to some people there. Not that anyone believed my age when I told them, I heard like 25-ish all the time and one fellow thought I was 16 (!?). (that would have been odd that means that I should have become pregnant at the age of 2.. *scary*) I don't look that young.. I have wrinkles god dang it..

I don't know how much of it that is me being a convetion-virgin until 3 days ago and that ofcourse I felt akward since I didn't know anyone since before and that is why I should go back and just hang out and get to know people.

Or if it is that I lost some of the convention-feeling because I went home quite early to sleep at home and didn't sleep over as many of the others did, but that couldn't be helped, I had the cats at home all alone so I couldn't stay over and I didn't want to go home too late since ther have been girls getting raped in this town when they have been out all by themselves on weekend nights so I left early.

Or if it is because I'm new to all this at the moment.. I mean there was this girl she was 26  - or was it 24 I don't remember but the thing is that actually it isn't that much of a problem me being older because I have no problem being with Maria who is 10 years younger or Klarah who is like 15 years younger when it comes to friendship so I shouldn't feel old compared to her either but she had cosplayed and been to convention for years so therefore it was okay for her be there but not me?

And no this makes no sense what so ever it's just my brain being an asshole, angsting up my life as usual. But that's my brain for you, Generalized anxiety disorder, Social anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, Obsessive–compulsive disorder, they are all there ganging up on me..

Screw this.. enough Angsting already. I'm still not convinsed that I belong there but I will try. I guess I have to start watching some anime

1-2 of 2 Blogs   

Previous Posts
Randomness, posted September 18th, 2013
A serious case of PCA: Post Convention Angst, posted August 12th, 2012, 1 comment

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