grakka's Blog

Mood: Switching
Sickness: Runny nose and a sore throat, could be the flu? Again!
Celebrates: My dad’s 61st birthday
Looking forward to:  My sister’s child is about to be born any day now
Planning:  A trip with the kids to Göteborg this Easter.  My best friends 25th birthday party that I’m a party organizer for and also my costume for that since it's going to be a costumeparty.
Clothes: Too big skirts and knitted sweaters , not a single pair of pants that Isn’t too lose for me to not risk dropping them by accident. At least I bought some new bras that actually fit.
Watches: Game of thrones, Once upon a time, Miss Fisher's murder mysteries, Rizzoli and Isles
Plays: The Sims 3, Candy crush  saga, Sushi cat.
Reads: Neil Gaiman's American Gods
Photographs:  Nature:  sky, snow, trees and sunsets.
Sings: Gabriel Fauré's Requiem in D minor
Exercise: Yoga
Eats: Tacos, fried chicken, ‘Subway’ subs
Drinks: Tea with lemon-honey, Åsens lantmjölk.
Candy: Chocolate
Pet stuff: One of my female cats is in heat again and my neutered male cat hasn't understood that he is neutered and tries to do his act anyway

Mood: Quite okay
Sickness: Runny nose and a sore throat
Clothes: Sweatpants and a fleece jacket
Watches: Once upon a time
Watches 2: Let's Play Realms of the Haunting by Kikoskia
Listens to: Sherlock Holmes radioplays
Plays: Final Fantasy VII; Crises core + The Sims 3
Eats: Egg sandwich
Drinks: Tea
Candy: Dark chocolate
Roleplays: Naimon and Daimyon yaoi with Lu

I'm a bit sad that the convention I been to this weekend is over but it can't be helped.. I'm trying to figure out if I really did fit in there, felt that I belonged there, or if I just pretended to fit in there and did it so well that I was fooling even myself. I'm thinking of if I really am going to go back there again, when it's not a convention, just to hang out.

I loved it there and everyone was so nice. but still it was like.. I was.. well.. I felt kind of akward, like a kid who had snuck into an R-rated movie but the, total opposite. Like an adult who stumbled into Never Never Land  and should be told to leave because no adults are alowed there.

And in a way I felt like a dirty old woman.. I can't explain it in any other way, like a tiny voice inside of me saying, go home play with your kimono and your Hello Kitty stuff.. you shouldn't be here, leave the manga and the cosplay and the BJDs to the people who actually belong to that generation.. (I guess I do too but I never felt like I'm in the right genereation), the people who actually knows about anime and stuff - I didn't even recognize half of the people who cosplayed were supposed to be.. I knew Zelda and  Shadow Link and Yuna (okay so maybe I'm more than a gamenerd than a anime nerd then but still).

I was so old  most of the people there were from the age of 12 up to 26.. and there I came with my 34 years old, 10 years older or more then most of the people there.. hey I could be a mother to some people there. Not that anyone believed my age when I told them, I heard like 25-ish all the time and one fellow thought I was 16 (!?). (that would have been odd that means that I should have become pregnant at the age of 2.. *scary*) I don't look that young.. I have wrinkles god dang it..

I don't know how much of it that is me being a convetion-virgin until 3 days ago and that ofcourse I felt akward since I didn't know anyone since before and that is why I should go back and just hang out and get to know people.

Or if it is that I lost some of the convention-feeling because I went home quite early to sleep at home and didn't sleep over as many of the others did, but that couldn't be helped, I had the cats at home all alone so I couldn't stay over and I didn't want to go home too late since ther have been girls getting raped in this town when they have been out all by themselves on weekend nights so I left early.

Or if it is because I'm new to all this at the moment.. I mean there was this girl she was 26  - or was it 24 I don't remember but the thing is that actually it isn't that much of a problem me being older because I have no problem being with Maria who is 10 years younger or Klarah who is like 15 years younger when it comes to friendship so I shouldn't feel old compared to her either but she had cosplayed and been to convention for years so therefore it was okay for her be there but not me?

And no this makes no sense what so ever it's just my brain being an asshole, angsting up my life as usual. But that's my brain for you, Generalized anxiety disorder, Social anxiety disorder, Panic disorder, Obsessive–compulsive disorder, they are all there ganging up on me..

Screw this.. enough Angsting already. I'm still not convinsed that I belong there but I will try. I guess I have to start watching some anime